Online Dating: An Experience of Self Love and Acceptance
I always thought online dating did not work. I felt that everyone was really shady, and I could potentially meet a serial killer. I never took it seriously and used it passively all the time and would then delete my account. I realized that it took me a while to understand what I wanted from online dating and how setting boundaries was very important even when you are just swiping on Hinge or Bumble! I now realize you can find whatever you are looking for on the apps, you just need to know how to look.
Dating is hard, whether it be online or in-person, so don’t get too overwhelmed.
How it started
It took me a long time to feel comfortable telling people I was even using online dating applications because a guy I really liked at 18 told me only a certain type of woman uses them. I internalized that comment for a very long time, and told myself that you couldn’t find anything serious using a dating app. At 25, I realize, go after what YOU need. I had a lot of things I ended up unlearning before I got onto the dating apps.
I have to thank the pandemic for forcing me to be self-aware and realize what are my own shortcomings and really realize that a lot of the reasons I was not able to find my dream guy was due to a lack of self-love. A person cannot make you love yourself, they can bring a lot, but being secure in myself made online dating so much easier once I dived into it.
Where I began
Given that I never took the apps seriously, I really just browsed them when I was bored and then deleted them promptly. Pre-pandemic, I’d mostly rely on my friends and parties to meet guys, so swiping through Bumble was very odd and at times overwhelming. I would get a lot of questions regarding my South Asian background and get uncomfortable so quickly. One white guy even called me “Devi Ma”. I have never unmatched someone SO quick, but who says that? Like, ok Ariana wrote “God is a woman”, but did not need to hear that from you Patrick! Online dating really opened up my eyes to how much white men fetishized South Asian women. My friends and I have all gotten such odd messages regarding our heritage from white men that it leaves you with a very disheartening feeling. I never tried to explain how it was problematic or what they really mean by that. I think it’s important to know that a weird message is the biggest red flag, so if you feel something is off, you are right! Online dating lets you
Given that your first few interactions are all through a screen, I found men to be much more brazen and uncouth at times. It took a while to adjust to that and realize it was just them and said nothing about me. I can’t say it took me one bad interaction to realize this, but this is where my friends came to my rescue! Having a great group of girls around me really helped me open my eyes to things I would ignore.
I really have to say, when I started sharing my online dating experience with my close friends, it made me feel much safer. We were able to laugh, gush and blush over fun stories! I have a variety of friends, some are in relationships and others aren’t, but it’s great to share with both!
How I made the most of it
The best part of online dating for me was once I started realizing, it’s a process and that putting pressure on myself and the other person will only stress me out. I really struggled with the whole concept of dating because in my mind, if you were talking to one person, that was it. You go on a few dates and find out if you gel, if it works great! If not, you go back to the drawing board or in this mobile application!
I truly believe the only reason I met my boyfriend on the apps is due to the fact that I detached myself from the outcome. Don’t get me wrong, I still got super excited when I matched with my now-boyfriend, but I was very much aware that we may not click. After all, getting along over a few texts is no guarantee that this can be your person.
This process has worked equally well for my friends who are casually dating!
I believe this worked really well for me because it let me be myself 100%. Due to the pressure I was putting on myself, I would limit the topics I discussed with a guy in order to seem interesting. Realistically, just pretending to be someone I am not is draining, but also unfair to them. If you’re looking for a girl who is into basketball, that is not me, and I am too damn old to pretend it is. That being said, I’m open to the conversation, I just won’t search for info when you are in the washroom to impress you.
A lot of these learnings (Yes, I had online dating learnings), are thanks to one semi-decent date I had this summer.
I had matched with this guy and on paper it all sounded great, lo and behold, we get on this date and there’s no chemistry, we are quickly sipping these drinks and an awkward bye. It made me realize I was very attached to the process before even starting it.
When it finally came to wanting to look for a relationship on the applications, I decided to just go with the flow. I truly believed in what’s meant to be will be. I got much more picky, if something was said that peeved me, I unmatched. I did not wait for another red flag, if you’re creepy through a screen, you are probably creepy in real life!
Overall, my best advice is go with the flow and stick by your boundaries. No matter what you are looking for, those two things made dating easier for me and I hope it helps you too!