Confidence vs Self Esteem: The Nuances of Loving Yourself

I have always been naturally bubbly, outgoing and confident. You have to have confidence to unapologetically be the loudest in the room. You have to have confidence to not only NOT care what people think but also think that people care about what you have to say - hence always being loud and opinionated.

You have to have confidence to talk to people how I do, dress how I do, explore places and travel alone how I do. This is obviously not specific to me, but to most people who have a similar level of confidence. But boy, let me tell you how crazy it is to realize you can have all the self confidence in the world and still have low self-esteem. And it is such a curse (and maybe blessing for my future therapist?) to be as introspective as I am. And so I find myself writing a blog and analyzing what I notes-apped when I was truly in my feelings. Here is said notes app piece:

It’s been a few days since I wrote this and I do still agree with my sentiments. But now, I am looking at it from an outsider’s perspective. With all this self-confidence, how can I still not think I am good or worthy enough? I know I need external validation from time to time, like we all do, but I can’t seem to shake off these feelings of being less than. I really think everything I do has an agenda of validation and I’m not necessarily okay with that.

I have always been more critical of myself and definitely see things as more “glass half empty” because I can’t get out of the mindset that I am the only person who wants the absolute best for myself…and with that, I rarely let myself celebrate small wins because I feel that is an act of complacency…which I know is an unhealthy view to have in general. And so when I don’t get external validation when I do try to celebrate my small wins, it sets me back quite a bit, which is what triggered my in my feelings, late night notes-app.

I think the main difference for me is that I have no problem putting myself out there, baring my soul, laying all my cards on the table… you won’t have any guesswork with me. However, the issue lies within the aftermath of doing all that. I simply cannot handle any semblance of rejection (even if it’s my projection) because I view that as direct correlation of my self-worth. And that is the difference, I think, between having self-confidence vs self-esteem.

I know we all have our issues and this is just mine. Don’t they say, “write what you know?”