Late Night Ramblings on 27
I turned 27 three weeks ago. 27 isn’t a significant number, it feels quite random and forgettable. It's in between stages where I feel as though my life is starting, but not quite. I’m getting teased by the potential of what life can be, but I get thrown off by outside (or sometimes internal) controls. Sometimes this includes my long eye rolls at aunties and uncles inquiring about my dating life, or, of course, marriage. But, when I think of myself a year ago - turning 26 - it feels as though I’ve become a different person within the last 365 days. I’ve seen the sentiment circulating the internet many, many times; feeling as though we lived many different lives in 2022. That’s exactly how I feel.
Every day I think of who I was in early 2022, and that girl seems nowhere to be found today. I felt lost, confused as to who I was, doubting my place in this world, but I knew exactly who I wanted to become. I can’t say I’m there yet, but I’m damn sure that I’m on my way.
Through many, many hard moments in 2022, I finally (maybe reluctantly) learned to let go of the reigns of my life. Releasing expectations of an outcome. Letting go of my own desired result - whatever it may be. A dream job, dating, hitting a PR in the gym, when my favorite coffee shop is disappointingly out of pastries. The more value I placed on irrelevant things going “my way”, the gloomier things seemed. It’s not worth it. This life certainly has its way of constantly teaching me my lessons. Why doubt that?
This last year has shown me love in all of its forms - and that love isn’t necessarily what our society builds it up to be. It’s everywhere we look, even in our mundane lives. It’s there in the later part of February when the sun starts shining, the sky is cloudless, and we hear the slightest chirps. The perk of morning coffee. The joy in meeting someone new, and clicking immediately. Music in a language we don’t understand, yet brings us to tears. It’s there within our friends like family, our blood family. 2022 pushed me to look harder at the mirror - to look deeper within myself for everything I felt I had lost. My meter of what’s right and wrong had been shattered, what I thought my life would become has changed, but perhaps for the better.
I feel free.
I guess this newsletter is more of an update on where my mind’s been at, rather than a specific topic within itself that I’ll elaborate on. The truth is, I started this year desperately wanting to live. I know that sounds quite cheesy, but I spent the majority of 2022 burying my head within numerous books, newsletters, articles, and stories, in the hope of healing, becoming a better version of myself, and moving on. I lost my sense of self, and there were days I didn’t recognize the girl I saw in the mirror. I felt giddy on Valentine’s day this year for no reason, after spending years of unnecessarily feeling bitter towards the holiday. I am a hopeless romantic, after all.
The last couple months have been filled with the brightest, lightest moments. Bouts of laughter and conversations over dinner and drinks with girl friends. Nights of fulfilling cravings of ordered food with TV in the background, accompanied by gossip, of course. Inviting new life into the world with family friends. Meeting new, wonderful people and letting whatever happens, happen. Living has come at the cost of me creating, burying my head in more books, and thinking deeply. But for now, I’m okay with that. This short life is meant to be lived, not intellectualized (constantly).
There is no better way to heal than to live.
It gets better. It always does. Here’s to 27 and many, many more.
With love,
Nivita