Reconciling Love and Growth between South Asian Mothers & Daughters

My mother – easily my favorite person on this planet – manages to affirm, inspire, and anchor me in the same breath that she frustrates, disappoints, and challenges me. I think most South Asian women will agree that the relationship they share with their mothers is as confusing as it is deeply rooted in love and admiration. There are common themes of sacrifice, enduring unimaginable pain, living in service of others, dreams left unattended, and carrying forth trauma that litter my desi friends’ stories about their mothers. They’ve all admitted that their mothers’ resilience and attempts at unlearning generational patterns that hold them back, to whatever extent small or large, have paved the way for their own self-discovery. My story is the same. 

My mother’s name means light – and it’s truly breathtaking how she’s managed to live up to that and shine so bright despite the challenges life has sent her way. She’s carved such a distinct identity for herself amidst utter chaos. Anyone who knows her can’t get enough of her. But this persona was something she fought for and sculpted; it didn’t come without struggle and immense self-love. After repeatedly being told to make herself smaller, settle for the status quo, dim her light, and lower her expectations, it is a true testament to her strength that she’s continued to rebuke those attempts and pushed to take up space. And it’s the single most significant thing she’s instilled in me: to live an independent, full, big life and imagine horizons beyond the restrictions we place on ourselves as women, especially in South Asian households. 

But, this is not to say she’s completely released me from all the expectations she was conditioned to have of me. There are the quintessential “when are you getting married?” and “when am I getting grandbabies?” comments peppered into our conversations. She’ll chide me for seeking therapy or wanting to travel alone or sometimes even ask me to validate my decisions with my brother. And this is where we butt heads. Despite the leaps she’s made in moving away from norms that hold women back from living meaningful lives, these slip ups remind me that she’s still growing and learning and unlearning everyday. I’m the first to admit that she’s been a pillar of strength for me – she’s stood firmly as a shield to guard me against the pressures South Asian culture puts on its daughters. But I’m also the first to pick apart these points of contention and challenge her. In those moments, I have to remind myself that she’s reacting to situations through the lens of her own experience and there’s still an entire generation between us that molded her for far longer than I’ve been around to challenge her.  

So when she pushes me to ask myself “is this really the best I can do?” in every scenario, I’m grateful that she looks past the limits of her exposure and wants more for me. Even when she strays, she eventually comes back to reinforcing the idea that I’m capable and enough and as long as I’ve got my own back, I’ll live a colorful, fulfilling life. Having experienced a caged existence for so many years, she appreciates firsthand the privilege that self-sufficiency and full autonomy brings. 

Her emphasis on self-reliance can sometimes come at a price though, where she’ll get frustrated with me for showing signs of vulnerability or weakness. Growing up with hyper independence drilled into your impressionable mind can harden you and numb you from asking for help or relying on your community even when you desperately want to. But, this is where I’ve had to do my own healing and realize that she had to grow hard to deal with her own circumstances, but I can be strong and soft at the same time. I can admire my mother’s unwavering fortitude and love her for all her contradictions, while acknowledging that I’m allowed to grow in a different direction. 

Despite the forward steps she’s taken in breaking generational cycles, I have to admit that she’s still damaged me in the process. Many South Asian women will recognize this clash in their mother-daughter dynamic, but we cannot deny the doors our mothers have opened for us. We wouldn’t be who we are today without bearing witness to their growth and setbacks and taking away precious lessons to navigate this whirlwind we call life.