"This Time Will Pass" (I'm Back)

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that it’s been exactly two months since I wrote the last newsletter. I’m not sure why, but I hit a major writing slump within the last number of weeks. With a new job, school becoming more intense, and life, I encountered the inhibition (for the first time in a very, very long time) to sit down and write. Maybe I hesitated to confront what would appear on the page, as I reflected on the last few weeks. Or, I felt I had nothing noteworthy to say. Nothing new to share with you all, that I felt was important enough for me to hit “send to all” on Substack. I shared a bit about this on Instagram, and a few of you lovely writers responded saying you had felt the same way. A couple of you were kind enough to encourage me, reminding me that it’s normal. I’m someone who will guilt myself for not doing it all - I always think there’s something more I could be doing, some area of life I could work harder in, or something else to work towards. While that all leads to a path of becoming a “better” me, I had to take some time to allow myself to be. Within the last few years, I found myself analyzing everything that happened in my life through reading and writing. I would intellectualize my feelings, my reactions - or the behavior of others, too. As you can imagine, this became exhausting. I hit a wall with it all this year, and desperately craved to simply live my life. 

With the way life has changed within the last year and a half, I had been on this healing/self love/self concept/becoming comfortable with myself alone journey until January of this year. There are obviously no set timelines for the beginning or end for this journey. Single women in our late 20’s, you know exactly what I mean. Big hugs and kisses to you. But there comes a point where the healing must continue through the living. The healing must exist within meeting new people, allowing them to enter our lives. The healing must show up in difficult situations within these new relationships and friendships. The healing persists when we step foot on a path we didn’t necessarily wish to explore, but we do it anyway. And in the end, we learn to trust that there is always something better to come. I strayed away from these situations quite intentionally for a long time, until I was called out by my own parents (lol) and friends. It’s been the most empowering and liberating time allowing myself to enjoy life again. I forgot what that was like for a long time.

I’ve been meeting and embracing this new version of myself while learning more about my wants, needs, desires, and place in this world. While I don’t believe that we must go through difficult times to become better, I certainly wouldn’t be the woman I am now without the culmination of all the obstacles I’ve managed to squash thus far. I know there will be more to come, and I know I’ll face them. Sometimes with ease, sometimes with tears. As each day goes on, I’m in surprise that it really is true - this time will pass. It will get better. The sun will always rise tomorrow. 

As days go on, the passing of time sometimes shocks me. When I think of myself last year to how I feel now, it feels a bit unsettling. May 2023 me doesn't recognize May 2022 me. I know a year ago, I was unsure of myself. Now, I can say I've never been this confident and independent, ever. Some days, time passing feels insignificant as it’s an inevitable fact of life. While I am a deeply nostalgic and sentimental person, I would never wish to go back in time and do anything differently. It feels as though right now, everything is as it should be. I’m exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in time. And I assure you, you are too. 

And as time goes on, I’ve learned to look at the past as collections of lessons or blessings - less favorable ones are the lessons, of course. The people who have come into my life and stayed have become the favorite parts of this life; a reflection of my favorite bits of myself come out when I’m surrounded by them. With time, I adopt my favorite quirks of theirs too - without forgetting their origins, of course. The people in my life make me feel incredibly lucky to know them, and love them. What more could I ask for? The ones who came for a season of life and left were blessings in that moment of time, weren’t they? In time, we look at the past with a sense of fondness and a slight smile. It feels damn good to feel at peace, happy, looking forward to what each day has to bring. I’ll always believe that it’s a gift to be alive in this world, in this body, at this time. 

This time will pass. Take that phrase in whichever way serves you; as confidence that it will get better, or a reminder to cherish this day, and this moment. 

With love (and a promise to more consistency),

Nivita