South Asian, 19 & Pregnant: A 2015 Abortion Story
With the leaked documents from the Supreme Court about the possibility of overturning Roe v. Wade, many women have chosen to come forward recently and share their experiences that have never been heard by anyone before. I think it is important for all stories to be heard. This is mine.
Mine in particular is through the lens of being a South Asian teenage college student in a progressive city. I know abortion is something that is still so controversial amongst most communities, regardless of demographic. But knowing how the community I belong to is, I want to speak directly to South Asian women. That is a part of why I am finally publicly sharing after 7 long years. Also, I want the norm to be that it can be a choice that is made for the best and can be an experience women can move on from without it being such a huge deal. I definitely feel like I would have talked about it more if it was not as stigmatized and quite frankly, demonized.
As a woman of color who is progressive, I really wish it didn’t take me so long to openly talk about and make it known that I am included in the statistic of women who have had abortions. Maybe it just was the strong stigma or extreme responses I’ve seen from my peers over the years that have made me shy away from being outspoken. However, as a South Asian woman, I can’t deny part of my choice to keep quiet was in fear of any of my family members finding out. But I think I am finally at a place in life where I care less about what others think about me, have stood up to my family about my life choices and now care more about how I can help others, especially women, to feel seen and validated.
So I just straight up did NOT beat teen pregnancy… I got an abortion at 19 years old, in the state of New York, in New York City in 2015. I was in college, less than 1 month after my 19th birthday and under my parents' health insurance at the time. The thought didn’t even cross my mind to call and tell them the situation to ask for help. I was fully prepared to fix this on my own and that was exactly what I did. Luckily, during this time, I was working for a local business owned by 3 adults I trusted with my life. They really were my family in the city, so I was able to do this completely uninsured, as they provided me the money upfront. I never had to fully pay back the amount, which was over $1200. For context, they were all male, in their mid to late 30s, with 2 of whom I am still close with today.
I didn’t tell a single one of my friends then (many of them found out via an instagram story I made this week), as I knew abortion was still widely controversial amongst people, regardless of age or demographic. I just did not want to be associated as the girl who was hooking up, got pregnant by a one-night stand and then had an abortion. I was finally an "adult" in New York City, out of my parents' house for the first time and I could be anyone I wanted. I didn't want to be that. Even 7 years later, as a 26 year old woman who would come to my 19 year old’s aid in a heartbeat, spelling that out still makes me feel a bit less than - even though I’m fully aware it shouldn’t. Conservative South Asian values are deep down still ingrained in me. Shame is ingrained in me, as a South Asian woman.
I can admit though, that this was mostly my mistake by being in denial and honestly a lack of real awareness and education. I had waited and ended up having a second-term abortion. I don’t remember how many weeks exactly but it was the second trimester and I put myself in a much riskier position, health-wise and financially, simply because I didn’t want to accept it and was also scared of getting in “trouble”. I will say, procrastination is a character trait specific to me. Especially being 19, my survival response was to ignore the problem. I wonder if I had told my family, maybe I would have just taken the pill instead of having to have a more expensive, full-on medical procedure. I actually can’t say if they would have pushed for abortion or not…and I plan on never finding out. I also think about how much more stress and trauma that would have caused in my frayed relationship with them. I was already the black sheep of my South Asian, white collar, upper middle-class family. This could have been the nail in my coffin with them.
When I finally knew I had to take action, I remember calling around and was able to get an appointment within that same week. I cannot imagine what I would have had to endure if I had gone to school in a different state. Some places even have fake abortion clinics where they lead women in just to convince and manipulate them to keep it. I had already waited too long and if I was somewhere else, I probably wouldn’t have been able to get an appointment in time or ended up wasting time with a misleading clinic.
I remember I also had to attend something for my sister the next day, for the whole weekend. I was 19, an avid underage drinker in the city and usually the life of the party…but the doctor advised me to not drink on the medication I was on after. This was the first time in my life I was actually scared for my wellbeing so I just told her and all her friends I was too hungover to drink. It also helped that we were out in a more suburban area so I also said my fake IDs wouldn’t work here. My sister was the same age then that I am now - 26. She hadn’t agreed with a lot of my mistakes as a teenager in high school and into college. She was more of the golden child than I ever would be, so I didn’t want to put her in a position where she was in the middle between my parents and I. She had some big life stuff coming up as well and I knew I would be strong enough to move on without her or anyone else’s “emotional support”.
I really just count myself lucky as well as remain grateful. I am grateful I was in a progressive state with plenty of options, with progressive adults willing to help me. Leaving it up to the state will only make those women who are the minority there, at risk. As an American woman, I want every American woman to have the same rights and privileges I do, regardless of what state we live in. It breaks my heart knowing that not everyone feels this way.
My experience did not leave me traumatized but it is still something that happened & will carry forever as I didn’t just take a pill, it was a medical procedure. But a completely safe and medically sound one. The women I remember came from all walks of life - one woman who I will never forget, was young and mentally disabled. I still think to this day, that there’s no chance she could have had consensual sex. Examples like that should be enough to make it a federal law, not leave it up to the state. It is also terrifying to think that in 2014 I was able to do this fairly easily, but for young women in 2022, that may not be the case anymore.
I guess I will end by saying that you probably know someone who has had an abortion. They may never tell you but they will see your stance. Whether you disagree or not, no one should be able to tell women what they can and cannot do with their bodies. To take that choice away under any circumstance is un-American to me. Also, if you are South Asian and have faced scrutiny within your family, community or even among other self-proclaimed progressive South Asian women, know you are not alone. It is so important to share our stories, to make it known that things can just happen - no matter how careful or responsible you think you are. We still don’t deserve to have a bias projected onto us and owe it to one another to be there for each other.
Lastly, if anyone who reads this and has any questions for me, I am an open book. If anyone has gone through a similar experience and needs to talk, I’m all ears and judgment free. Lots of things are going on in the world and it’s important to take note, gain perspective and check in on each other.
If you have a similar story you would like to share about this or anything else going on in the world, Kahani is here to amplify your voice if you need a platform to do so. We will keep your privacy and publish anything anonymously if you prefer. Please email swati.chakraborty@kahanidigital.com