Pulling a seemingly never ending rope…

to go down repressed memory lane.

I pretty much cry every day now. I have come to embrace the fact that I am fairly publicly therapizing myself & I know I have to make that fact known in order to be completely honest with myself. It’s called ~healing~

All jokes aside, I can't skate around the fact that I cry every day due to random, unresolved issues from days past and not so past. And that is the main thing I want to be wholly understood.

My trigger was a breakup. For the first time in my life, I am finally confronting all of my mistakes and trauma since...well, forever. That’s a lot of years to go back down repressed memory lane.

So it ends up just feeling like I am pulling a never-ending rope. How can I process my breakup if I never confront what I did in college? How can I work through what happened in college if I don’t understand what I went through in high school? How can I address what happened in high school if I don’t consider my childhood? And how the heck do I analyze my childhood without analyzing my parents and their trauma? As you can see, this rope is extremely long and also heavy as fuck.

It’s easier to resolve current issues than those of yesteryears. The hard part is peeling back the layers and really acknowledging & understanding why I am the way I am. I know I will never heal from trauma by being hard on myself because it happened…even though it’s very difficult to reframe that - even referring to the word “trauma” is hard because I still view it all as mistakes of my own doing and deserving of the consequences.

The road to healing is paved with good intentions but there isn’t necessarily an ending destination. I just hope my journey doesn’t impact anyone else’s roads. I hope no matter how lost I get, I still keep going, without shame in asking for directions. I hope I meet people along the way who are on similar journeys. And if I do get held up or backtrack, it’s because healing isn’t a smooth, direct flight that is linear and ongoing, but a road trip that’s complicated with stops and starts. I’m trudging along and I hope you all are too.