What’s in a Friendship? Setting Boundaries with Friends

Growing up, I saw my fair share of snide remarks, they were fleeting and quick, but they hit home. It was present everywhere, family gatherings, lunch tables and even movies! I never questioned the whole “mean girls” behavior, because it was something I saw in the media, but also in multiple gatherings. I never saw these comments as aggressions, I felt they were a bit snarky, but had normalized these interactions. 

I’ve attended many gatherings where I’ve noticed someone being on the receiving end of jokes and brushing it off as if nothing, I normalized it to the extent that I did the same when it happened to me. Brushing it off was the right thing to do. However, I realized I could not stomach it as I grew older. 

There used to be a running joke on social media that the girls who feared brown aunties the most were becoming brown aunties, and I did not want to be in that category. I never feared brown aunties, but I was wary of them. I questioned if their friendships were genuine or practical. Yet, they stayed together. These friendships have lasted through the years, thus there must be something there. 

I felt really lucky when I met strong South Asian women through various communities that had shared experiences. Being able to share my darker moments and my accomplishments with women who have faced similar struggles was a game changer for my friendships in my twenties. I don’t think having a shared background is crucial for a friendship to be great, but it helped me a lot as I navigated tough situations. Many of my South Asian friends have gone through similar moments and I  do not need to explain the whole backstory in order for them to understand the emotions behind it. 

A lot of our conversations were centered around how we can empower those around us, dismantling thoughts that kept us shackled to the patriarchy and giggling about nothing. It made me rethink the way I viewed friendships, that the snide remarks were not normal. The videos on TikTok about Pick Me girls really described a big chunk of the South Asian aunties, but this was not due to them wanting to put women down, it was because of the patriarchy that entrenched them. I no longer held women solely accountable for these snide remarks, I started noticing how it was almost a survival tactic. At times, it was easier to put someone down because they would not retaliate and it would keep your place in the hierarchy of these communities. 

Our moms and aunts felt the burden of the patriarchy every step of the way, while some stood firmly against it, others barely found a voice. However, over hushed glances and sips of chai, some were able to lighten the weight on their shoulders. The same way I found strong women who took the time to hear me, it’s the women before us who have paved the way for that. It was not perfect, but it helped me become who I am today.