Choosing to be Child-Free

Why are people so obsessed with other people having kids?

One Check after Another

College degree, job, finding a life partner, getting married, having kids, raising those kids, and retiring - it seems like there’s just a checklist of stuff to do or rather stuff that people are expected to do, especially so in the South Asian community. But the thing is, not all of these things are for everyone and that’s okay. While some of the earlier stuff doesn't have much of permanent consequences,  that’s not so true with children. Children are a VERY permanent thing and there’s no going back from having them.

Kids come in all shapes and sizes, and all sorts of behaviors. Some are great and others…not so. They aren’t for everyone, and that’s okay. Bringing lives into this world is a truly selfish act, as they didn’t ask to be here. So one should really really want those children. I believe that when someone decides to have kids, it is because they truly deeply want those children, with every bit of their hearts, minds, bodies, and souls. I also believe that if you decide to have kids, you should be willing to love them no matter what. If they turn up having disabilities or being queer, or not great at school, something that the parent wasn’t expecting or planned for, they will remain loved. Come hell or high water.  Children should not be trophies that parents show off; they are meant to be cherished and valued as people.

Hemali Mistry (@hemali.mistry) has a few really good TikToks on the topic. There are people who have kids because it's just expected of them. And they regret having those children and show it, sometimes to the extent that the kids can feel/know it. Or people have children for, what I consider the wrong reasons. They have kids as someone to give them company (or company to a first child) and someone to take care of them when they are old. Some people even want sons because they will take care of them in their old age, but it typically ends up with the sons’ wives taking care of the parents on a daily basis. 

A Rant (of sorts)

Why are people (more so aunties and uncles) obsessed with “good news”? “Good news” is that someone is pregnant.  Like to the point they ask for it. Why do you care so much that people are having unprotected sex? Why do people feel the need to announce it? I’m all for more awareness/talking about sex and sexuality but that doesn’t mean I want to know specifics about it. Also, asking about “good news” to me feels a bit inappropriate and isn’t anyone's business. Like what if someone is trying and not having luck? Or they are dealing with a miscarriage? Or they can’t have kids? OR don’t even want kids?

And why do people try to change the minds of people who don’t want to have kids or dismiss that fact (like it's something that will change later)? It’s like they take offense to the fact you don’t want kids. Or they think it's because you’re young that it's just a phase. Or it's like they had to suffer, so others have to as well. It’s such a big decision, and whatever that person/couple decides is for them, that should be it.

The reasons I hear for having kids are dumb and not okay, in my opinion. I hear stuff like “but you need someone to take care of you when you grow older”, or “to help you not feel lonely”. It frustrates me to hear that. I don’t need someone to take care of me when I’m older. I don’t mind going to live in an assisted living home (if that ends up being needed), there are people trained to take care of the elderly. With not having kids, there’s a lot of money saved that could go towards a nice one. In the meantime, I could use that money to travel the world and do what I want. 

Having kids so that you have someone to take care of you in your elder age is so selfish. As for being lonely, I can have pets and friends! It’s okay to live on your own and get to know and love yourself. Also, I feel like the majority of people that have kids so they can take care of them are the kind of parents that end up in assisted living without their kids visiting them and are like “why don’t my kids visit me?”

Childfree by Choice

I decided when I was a teenager that kids aren’t for me. Sure, I’ll take care of a friend’s or family’s kids and I’ll be the cool auntie (that maybe takes them for their first piercings and tattoos) but I don’t want any of my own. Sometimes, I barely feel like an adult that takes care of herself. So how am I supposed to take care of a tiny someone that can’t take care of themselves or know what to do? And what if I mess up that kid? That’s not something I want to do. I understand that parents don’t get a guide on how to raise kids, that there’s no perfect way to, and that it's okay to make mistakes. But it's more than that to me. 

I know people might say “what if you regret not having kids?” I’d much rather live with the regret of not having kids than live with the regret of having kids. I’ve been seeing on TikTok that there are parents who love their children, but they tell others not to do it. There are books where mothers talk about regretting having children. One such book is Regretting Motherhood by Orna Donath. Donath is a sociologist who did a study on women and motherhood. If I do end up regretting not having children, I’ll live with that regret, don’t worry or stress about it. 

Something else I decided alongside wanting to be childfree was that if I did want kids, I’d much rather adopt than have my own. There are so many children in this world that need loving homes and people to take care of them. As I’ve grown I’ve learned, and I know that there are issues with the adoption system, so I decided foster was a better option rather than adopting. 

Pregnancy

The first reason itself is the pregnancy aspect of having children. There’s a TikToker who has created a list of reasons not to have kids. She adds to it with TikToks she sees or is tagged in that are related to having kids and pregnancy. The list has so many different reasons ranging from emotional ones to things that take a toll on the body. The body is growing an entire human in its body and as amazing as that is, it’s pretty scary to me and not something I want to go through. 

I understand that most expecting people dislike the fact that people call fetuses parasites. I mean these fetuses are wanted and parasites have a negative connotation. But by definition fetuses are parasites.  The TikToker kendall.lincoln has a good video explaining the biochemistry behind pregnancy. 

parasite n.

an organism that lives in or on an organism of another species (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the other's expense

Human chorionic gonadotrophin (aka hCG) is the hormone that is produced by the body around 6 days after fertilization. This hormone is what pregnancy tests test in urine to say if someone is pregnant. It is created after the placenta attaches itself to the womb from the fetus. Once it is attached, then the body no longer sees the fetus as a foreign body. HCG tells the body to thicken the uterus lining so that the fetus can grow and stops the body from menstruating.

As fetuses grow they take nutrients at the expense of the host, in this case, the expecting person, sucking and draining them. The taking from the fetus has an impact on the pregnant person. Their bodies can lose calcium and teeth and hair. This is all stuff I don’t want to deal with or go through. 

Money

Reason number two is money. The process of getting pregnant, getting medical help if needed, going through the pregnancy, having the baby, and raising those babies into adults is so expensive!

For those who need help getting pregnant, IVF is one option. IVF can cost between $11k - 30k for a SINGLE cycle of IVF. And there’s no guarantee that someone being able to get pregnant on that first try.  Also, IVF involves a lot of medication, Forbes says just the medications can be about 35% of the costs. Part of what I’ve seen for IVF medications is injections, which, no thanks. I strongly dislike needles (but for piercings and tattoos it’s fine, figure that out).

Being pregnant means multiple doctor’s visits, some might have good insurance, others don’t. Either way, I’m sure those doctor’s bills add up. As does having a baby, in the US which has such a big range of costs from a couple of thousand dollars to over ten thousand dollars! $10k was like just my college tuition fees for a year (for an in-state cost not including boarding or food). 

Once the baby is born (and even before, with preparing for having the baby), the cost of things needed for them adds up. There are diapers, furniture, clothes (that are outgrown quickly), formula, childcare, classes, and so many other things. Sure some of those things might be optional if the parents can afford to do so (like with childcare), but others aren’t.

There's so much money that goes into the process of having a baby to raising that baby to adulthood. And with BIPOC cultures (at least as far as I’ve seen), it goes past that eighteen years. For example, I’m in my mid-twenties and I still live with my parents and get financial help from them when needed, which I’m very grateful for. But I’d much rather have all that money to spend on things that make me happy or have new experiences. 

If you want to have kids, then by all means do! But, please please, treat and love them well. Or if you’re the mindset that “I had to suffer in having kids so you do too”, get some therapy, get your feelings and emotions out with someone who can help you. But more importantly, please don’t force or push me (or others) to have kids. I’m happy with my decision to not have children, to live my life as a please and maybe with some furbabies.