Dear South Asian Women: The Complexities of our Friendships
Dear South Asian Women,
We can be toxic, bitchy, and engage in some gossip from time to time, but I write this love letter to say that we also love, understand, and deeply respect each other, and that’s what makes our friendships so valuable. We push each other to do better; to be better. Even when each friendship has taken bits and pieces, you are all the people who built me up and gave me all of the love and support in the world- yes, the few energy-sucking ones, too. You made me who I am.
The complexity of friendships, particularly female friendships, and even more specifically South Asian female friendships is incredibly difficult to describe, and going through them is a huge learning curve, but it’s all so worth it - you just have to find the right people.
Cultural Connections & Bonds
Out of everything, what I find most important is that not all friendships are like this. The beauty of South Asian female friendships is the deep connections you can make when you find someone you actually like. As South Asian girls, we often endure similar generational trauma and other experiences that tie us so closely together, like sisters. Being brown becomes a loyalty factor in these friendships, and you form unbreakable bonds.
Though I had some negative experiences, I also cannot discount the many positive ones. The women who inspire me every day, the women who are understanding, loyal, empathetic, and caring, the women who are my closest friends. These are the girls who I would make coffee for when they’re feeling sad, and the girls who I would go on night walks with to gossip about old high school people. These are my people, and I wouldn’t have it any other way - so, thank you, and I love you.
Exclusive Cliques & Social Outcasting
My high school was clique-y, but less than the nature of High School Musical. Coming into high school, I wanted to create a diverse group of friends that would help me grow as a person. I was stuck in a South Asian bubble for most of my life, as I grew up in a very culturally-focused family, which isn’t bad as I was very fortunate to have learned all about my culture and our roots. However, I wanted a taste of the rest of the world. Besides, the “band South Asian clique” didn’t really like me, and the “non-band South Asian clique” wasn’t really accepting any applications.
Even writing this feels so business-like, as if joining a friend group needed an evaluation. Maybe I’m analyzing it all too much, but my friendships with other South Asians in high school were all but simple, too. Who talks about who, who’s crush is who’s, who hates who: these were all crucial to being even considered to join. And even if you weren’t accepted, you would be on the outskirts of their group, gossiped about even when they say they don’t care about you. Brutal, I know.
This may not have been everyone’s experience, and luckily there’s a flipside to all of it. The growth that comes from these friendships is unmeasurable. I love my South Asian female friendships because we push each other’s boundaries. The social experiences we’ve been through allows us to endure far more than we could’ve ever thought. All of it made us stronger and emotionally more resilient. Not to say that going forward, we should all go into a full-on war, but being friends comes with the bad, and the good. Finding where it’s worth it is the key.
Competition in South Asian Culture
Even in college, I found competition to be a huge part of many of my friendships with other South Asian girls. This time, it was focused on the internships we got, or what extracurriculars we were doing. The passive aggressive comments never stopped, and only got worse. I found myself increasingly leaving the toxic all-brown environments that I had hoped to initially connect with.
I don’t blame these groups for being exclusive or picky- it was ingrained in us since we were children. Be the best, we were told. Friends are secondary; family first. This mentality of perfectionism that is drilled into us quickly turns into a competitive environment where friendships are easily broken.
Even though there is competition, this competition forces us to keep trying to reach the top. We study more, work harder, and focus all of our energy and efforts to succeed, which we wouldn’t be doing at the same level if the girls around us didn’t push us to do so.
Being Female Together
With the upcoming International Women’s Day, it’s important that we take a moment to celebrate all the women in our lives who uplift each other. Being female gives us all something to bond over- periods, men, stress and emotional regulation, and so much more.
There are toxic moments, when people just don’t know when to stop fighting, but there are those who are truly kind-hearted and are a voice of comfort in our lives. Sometimes, some people just don’t fit in your life, and that’s okay, and sometimes, those difficult people energize and motivate you. Set your own boundaries, focus on the women in your life that bring you joy and love, continue to push yourself to grow, and keep being the complex loving, yet annoying best friends I could’ve ever asked for. <3.