We’ve all been there- the silent treatment from your dad, the humphing and umphing from your mom as you walk by, and the disapproving look from your Dadi when you come home past curfew one night. South Asians have made it a social norm to speak more through silence and gestures, than their actual voices. Why is it that in this collectivist culture, built on societies and relying on one another, that people ultimately choose silence?

To some, silence speaks volumes, but at one point does this silence become detrimental to the relationship? South Asian have perfected the art of tip-toeing this line, keeping their loved ones on edge, but how does this affect those it’s pointed towards? As a society that promotes interdependence and social cohesion, why is it so difficult to achieve homeostasis as a unit?

South Asian culture has been heavily rooted in collectivism for centuries- that is the willingness to put the good of the group over your own personal wants and needs. Along the way, collectivism became a means of manipulation and self destruction, meaning the benefit of the greater good was more important than one’s own well being. This belief has fostered the idea that we must be people pleasers and keep everyone happy at the cost of ourselves. Whether based on occupation, marriage, down to what food you eat for dinner, everything became a group forum discussion, which would soon lead to resentment, eventually leading to the downfall of the joint family structure in traditional Asian countries.

Over time, South Asians have adopted a western family style of nuclear families. However, it doesn’t just end there. Separating oneself physically does not equate to ridding a unit of collectivism. Instead, it very quickly becomes hoards of family phone calls and the “log kya kahenge” mentality. No matter how much we may try to escape it, the generational curse of collectivism finds us eventually.

A survey conducted by Statista in 2016 showed that 55% of Indians between the age of 15-34 years had high levels of anxiety. One of the most common reasons stated for their anxiety were parents’ health, personal health, and family problems, in that order. In a world plagued with war, famine, and an ongoing climate crisis, count on South Asian adults to be more concerned with “family problems” than anything else- a homage to how deep rooted this issue is.

As the next generation of parents, uncles, aunts grows, the hope is along the way we unlearn this outdated way of thinking and instead foster healthy interpersonal relationships based on open communication and honesty. Although difficult when you have generations of trauma and stubbornness working against you, it’s not impossible.

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