This initially started off much more emotionally impulsive and I’m happy to say that after much wallowing and debating, I chose to move the way I want to and I have no regrets. It’s always easy to overcorrect or do drastic things in order for change but that’s never gonna get you where you want to be, if that’s not really true to who you are. There are bad habits to fix but then there are key elements of yourself to accept that aren’t necessarily right or wrong.
I am truly the walking, talking, human personified equivalent of the phrase, “if they wanted to, they would”. The issue is that I always want to and I always do, even if I’m not entirely sure of what I want.
And doing all that doing without necessarily yielding what I actually want can be a bit tiring… but I am the perfect victim of my own mindset. I have an extremely high tolerance for both effort and discomfort. I can take a lot. I can do even more. To put it plainly, I am ridiculously stubborn and it’s pretty impressive if I do say so myself.
I have really put myself in strenuous circumstances simply because I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too. I am extremely confrontational, I really cannot just leave it. I never want to be misunderstood and I also never want people to NOT know how they make me feel. The problem with this, however, is how I choose to interpret and perceive other people’s actions. I think there are two sides to this for me: moments where I am moving for short-term gain and ego and then moments where I am being genuine about my feelings and needs. Sometimes, I muddle the two and feel slighted when I assume what other people are thinking.
Whether it’s being asked to stay over or being showered in compliments, I do have to remind myself that even if someone says or does something I want, that doesn’t necessarily mean they want it the same way I do. Which is an annoyingly tough pill to swallow. It doesn’t always have to be so negative, though – I can only meet people where they are willing to meet me. It is really difficult to be brutally honest with yourself and that doesn’t come easily to anyone. I also know I can come on quite strong so I’m trying to be self-aware. My feelings and actions also may not always match up even if I believe they do. At the end of the day, I can only learn what I want through experience and then after I’ve taken what I’ve needed, I can leave the rest and move on.
Obviously, this all stems from a fractured relationship with my father. I have never, ever been able to put him on the pedestal I so easily place other men on. I hate being such a cliche but the truth is unavoidable – the gap of emotional absence, loving familial safety – leaves a space I’ve unconsciously tried to fill elsewhere. Whether it’s calming, intellectual and emotional kindness that makes me feel seen or energetic, physical and personable chemistry that makes me feel connected, I am quick to soak it up for as long as possible.
Another layer to this is that my first real long term relationship took place because I was chosen and I never really stopped to think about how I really felt. I just liked the feeling of being wanted and now I worry that I am overcorrecting by not allowing myself to be chosen. I want to feel in control of my life but I also don’t want to act out of fear by the lack of it.
Taking a step back feels quite difficult for me. I always want to reach out, make sure I’m being understood clearly or check in. However, I am reaching a point in life where I can only do so much without it turning into forcing things not meant for me.
That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t make me feel some type of way…I don’t want to close myself off in order to protect my peace. Honestly speaking, though, I don’t think I will. As much as I have been hurt, I do think I have done a good job of staying open and vulnerable and doing it all over again each time. It’s not that I expect the same exact energy (I’m aware that it is rare to be able to reciprocate what I put out and I’m proud of that fact) but that I want people to know my true nature and move accordingly. And yes, sometimes I will judge you on how you move and that’s my prerogative, lol.
I truly do love knowing people to their core and try to be the kind of person people feel safe opening up to. I just can’t control who is genuine or not…and I never thought myself naive until I really thought about it. I believe I do mean what I say and back it up with my actions – I just may be guilty of being fickle.
I’ve never been a mystery, not a nonchalant bone in my body. Sometimes it feels like I have no bones at all, to catch all my feelings and thoughts as they spill out of me like guts. At the end of the day, I am just learning how to embrace my most authentic self as that’s the only way I’ll have the people and things genuinely meant for me.